Birds chirping, a gust of wind, balloons, music. Small things used to make me happy. But now I don’t see myself smiling often. I am rather sitting in a corner of my room gawking the ceiling. I don’t know what made me this way. I have become alone, excluded, and unhappy.
Greeting people with my smiling face has become a habit now. Can they see through my face? Will they figure out that I am not happy? Do they care? These are all the questions popping in my head. What if they find out? What if I am questioned? I don’t have an answer to it.
Rather than thinking about my own happiness, I am more considerate towards the people around me. I am observant of my surroundings, I guess. What do they like? What makes them happy? I know all their preferences than I do about myself. Do I like coffee? No, but she likes it with whipped cream on top. When trying to adjust to my surroundings and the peoples around me, I think I am losing myself. I don’t know if I am being myself or not.
Rejection and the judgment of people is what I feared the most. I don’t want to be an option for people. Because of the fear, I became that way. I am changing now. I am being strong. Their rejection doesn’t hurt me now, nor their judgment. I am myself now. THE TRUE ME. Happiness is radiant from my smile. People questioning me now doesn’t scare me. I am confident enough to share a piece of my mind.
I was lost. Lost in my thinking, lost in the judgment, lost in being somebody else I wasn’t, lost in fear, lost between fake people and those fake love. Now I want to be lost in myself. Lost in my own happiness, lost in my preferences, lost with my loved ones, lost in the things I love to do. I want to become a priority rather than an option. Most importantly I want to be ME.
Birds chirping, a gust of wind, balloons, music. Small things make me happy and I am lost in that happiness.